Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
