I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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