too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
