my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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