wakey wakey hands off snakey
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
