I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Randomize
