I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
