Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
