Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Randomize
