I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
