Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
