So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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