I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Randomize
