Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
