There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
