last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
