I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I really don't want to move...I'm having a motivation problem.
kev is about to show us pictures of the tranny he accidentally fucked last night.
I'll be there in 10
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
