Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
