A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
