I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
