Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
