Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
