she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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