I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
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