he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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