You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
