you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
