i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Randomize
