The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
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