my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
