I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
