no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
my shit smells like andre
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
