Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
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