Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
