I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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