are you still at the devil's house?
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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