I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
