I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
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