if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
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