dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
