well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
