Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
