nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I need moral support for this bender
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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