You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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