Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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