my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
and eventually we just all took our pants off
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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