my phone needs a breathalizer
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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