either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Randomize
