i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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