i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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