i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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